Psych Test By 11 [Monday // December 14th] fakexpearls It has been at least a year since I have felt this way. Out of breath. Completely scared and heartbroken. Just heartbroken. I can’t even think. My head is too hot. My breath is short. I feel lost, even though I know where I am. I feel like no one cares. Silly, really. I know they do, and I love them for it… But I feel like no one cares. I feel alone and sad and I have a fucking psych test that I have to do before 11 and I have a test I know I'm gonna fail at 9am tomorrow. I have finals and I’m leaving to Colombia and Vanessa’s mad at me and I’m mad at myself and nothing is going well. I’m making such a mess of things. I hate myself. There. I said it. For all the advice and shit I give, it doesn’t change the fact that I hate myself. I’m just like you - except I’m worse because I don’t show my cracks. I hate myself. So much. And I’m sorry I’m such a nuisance. I’m sorry that I suck and that I’m emo and that I don’t like it when you talk bad about others and that I fail at life. I’m sorry I keep crying. I’m sorry I don’t know how to tell you what’s wrong. I’m sorry that I don’t tell you when you hurt me. I’m sorry I’m such a fucking disappointment. I’m sorry. I’m a mess. I know that I should say something like - but it’s all in your heads ladies. People do care about you and it this week is just one week of your life… But I’m not believing in me right now. I’m sorry. 2 Oh, watch it burn into the twilight.

College, Part Uno [Sunday // December 13th] fakexpearls College… I’m going to just sigh out a laugh right here. You guys want to know about college? College is the reason Sandy and I don’t have time to blog, the reason we don’t get enough sleep, why we’re busy. College is a mess. The amount of times Sandy and I have started a sentence with ‘you know you’re in college when…’ this fall, followed by something you wouldn’t expect or makes us seem like wrecks has been too often to count. I started my Freshman year at Colorado University, Denver Campus (the Denver part is a big deal I guess) a semester late. I had enough credits from my AP tests to make it so it was like I hadn’t missed anything – in fact, I was ahead by one class. Last semester wasn’t that interesting. I took two classes (at this point, I should have taken three, but oh well). I took Music Appreciation and English 2010. Music was early and horrible. And I mean horrible – do you want me to tell you all about the chants from the church in 500 AD? I didn’t think so. But they are still in my head. One thing that was cool was learning about the classical composers though – really, it was just a waste of time that was required as a Literature Major. English class should have been my forte – it’s what I do, what I breath and it was okay too. It was half online and the professor was awesome, but I didn’t want to write papers all the time. I didn’t want crazy due dates when I can pop out papers two hours before they’re due. And I wanted to read a book and discuss it. I had attendance issues. I really, really didn’t like going to class sometimes. At all. Music Appreciation? If I made it to both class in a week for more than one week in a row, it was a miracle. And English was…I went, I texted the whole time. I got B’s in both classes. Whatever – I didn’t care. This semester I took three classes (so I’m two behind right now). I have Great Works of British and American Literature, Math for Liberal Arts Majors and Psychology 101. Math is so dumb and early. I took last week off from that class and I regret it – there is no time for absences in that class, but oh well. Lit make my pupils turn into hearts; I have friends and I get to do what I love – we talk about books. That’s what I want to do with kids, talk about books. Psyche is okay – it’s required so, we do what we have to do. I’ve read a lot of twitter about everyone’s workloads and I sympathize. Please know, you are not the only ones suffering – if only we could all meet at a Starbucks and work together in our college sweats and no makeup, huh? Just sit and be quiet, miserable, exhausted but be together. I think that’s a big part about college – relationships. This semester, my friendships seriously suffered because I was always busy. I’m working, I’m was in class, I was studying, I’m trying to sleep. Time to go out? Um….can we study wherever we go? No? Huh – then I guess I’ll stay home. I can’t give too much advice about this part of the college experience other than to say balance your time. I’m still working on this myself, but you should have at least one day where you do nothing for school. I worked and go to school all seven days (class Monday-Thursday, work Thursday-Sunday), so I know it can be impossible to have any time for yourself. My suggestion is that after you finish a huge chunk of your work, and still have a lot to go or you just can’t focus (which happens to me a lot lately – my attention-span is shot right now and has been pretty much since November), take 20/30 minutes or an hour to just chill. Maybe go watch some worthless TV or read a book for fun. Maybe on the way to get to the kitchen, you can dance to some music on your iPod. Don’t take yourself too seriously, at least not for one hour, okay? Alright – so college is hard. It costs too much and it’s dumb. You’re going to be bored and then pray for your professor to do some test review. You’re going to be exhausted and half-asleep in the classroom (guilty) and there will be times when you fail a test (hi, guilty again and it happened today, but I’ve moved on). I chose to go to a university over a college that would cost much less for a few reasons. One – I honestly felt that I was too good for a community college, and my grades supported this claim. Two – I know for a fact (because my best friend goes to a college that shares the campus with mine – Auroria has three campuses on it, so yeah it’s insane and never ever quiet and sooo many people go there, so many and I walked to the end of campus the other day…it took me a good twenty minutes) that my classes are harder than that of some colleges. I’m not discrediting any schools here, I’m just saying that I’ve been to a few other college’s classes and wow. I was bored. I guess I want to be intellectually stressed all the time – or is that stimulated? Whatever. My third reason for choosing a University is because here in Colorado, where you go to college is a big deal – we have two huge rivaling schools CU (holla!) and CSU. Football season is a little tense around here. But I like being about to say I go to a University. Also – as a silly sidenote, our mascot is a buffalo which was my favorite animal when I was like four (I know, I was weird but I still love them, and when some talks about having a bison burger I freak), and the colors are black, gold and silver, so all my CU crap works with everything else I wear. Oh – I live at home still. This is a decision that I made because my school is a 15/20 minute drive, because I couldn’t bring my cat to the dorms and mostly because when I get crabby and I need to study, that is all the world does – it’s silent until I get things done. So parties going on down the hall would not fly with me. Also, it would cost extra and as I’m paying for my education, that was a no-go from the get-go. Okay – now that you’ve heard of my horrors, we’re gonna change tactics. College is freaking amazing. One – the fact that you’re going, that you’re continuing your education and you’re going to make something of yourself other than a sales rep or a waitress is an accomplishment. Remember – the college accepted you – they want you to attend their school. So when you get those letters, do a little dance. Two – The atmosphere is a lot better than high school (even though Sandy will argue this point, but she also lives with the people she can’t stand – I don’t even have to talk to them). Everyone who is there wants to be there – mommy and daddy aren’t forcing them to go, neither is the government. No one is slacking off, no one is ruining class. People are respectful and all put forth some type of effort; also, the people who you end up sitting by tend to be awesome. Everyone is awesome – you just have to talk to them (example – my sarcastic corner. My lit professor loves us and we rarely speak up in class, but when we have private discussion times, she comes and hears us going and going). Don’t be shy – you will sit next to these people for a semester – say hi, ask a question, even if it’s just for the notes from last class because you slept through your alarm. Instantly, you’ll have an alliance and those are handy things. Now, there will be people you can’t stand because they always have an opinion or they walk to slow or something like that, but from my experience, it’s never because I know them personally and I hate them – I just roll my eyes every time they open their mouths. Three - We have a quad on my campus – um, an area that has huge walkways that all meet in the middle of campus in one huge circle and there’s a stage and it’s by the student union and it’s always packed. If you have a place like that – I want you to walk through it once in awhile. You’ll see how busy everyone is, just like you. That kind of understanding, of common stress and the amount of sweats (because you don’t care what you look like that day and neither did half of everyone else) is something I think is awesome. Just knowing everyone else feels like I do, that I’m not the only one whose ass college is kicking – that’s nice. Honestly, as I’m sitting her writing this, I’m exhausted. I have a cup of tea and fudge for lunch (oh yeah – poor college kid here) and I have to be to work in two hours. I’m in my sweats and I took a four hour nap that started out at an hour of just chilling until I woke up and damn – it was one in the afternoon. I haven’t opened the curtains in my room in days and when my alarm goes off, I lay in bed until I have just enough time to take a shower and throw on clothes. College life – mine is not glamorous and some days I find the littlest thing to be hilarious because I’m exhausted and too stressed so I try to laugh it off. College is one of those things, like high school or the prom or something, that you have to do now. You don’t have to, but come on – you went to prom and had a blast, and had you dropped out of high school, where would you be now? College is another stepping stone, and it’s one that will help you the most in your professional life. It’s going to suck, it’s going to be hard. It’s going to awesome and a blast. It’ll cost a ton and the stuff you didn’t pay for but experience will mean jut as much as that BA. Go forth my girls – go forth into this bright and big, terrifying and exhausting world of higher education. You will be awesome and you will do great things, I know this because you’re all so smart and you won’t let anyone stand in your way. Never let that one professor who ‘has it out for you’ mess with your head and if you bomb a test (or five), it’s okay. If this one chic or douche rolls your eyes at everything you say, whatever. If you sit next to someone and don’t talk at all – that’s cool too. You’ll make friends and semi-enemies that you will never see after a class is over, and while it’s sad it’s life. I love you all, Sabrina 1 Oh, watch it burn into the twilight.

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